As I sit here on the roof of my DC apartment, overlooking the capital and Washington monument, I let my feet be still in the water and my fingers be active across the keyboard. What is life? Life is happiness. Life is ambition. Life is a dream. Life is Love. Or is it?
I am a 20 somethin, single, black, heterosexual woman that has been in the dating game and has recorded a few months of DNP’s, self decision (Did not play). Now many people know me from my daily activity on social media, particularly Facebook. Never shy to read like an open book, (of what I choose to share that is lol) I often find myself in the middle of contrasting opinions both big and small. Nonetheless, rather I am grilled for believing what I post, playing devil’s advocate or agreed with for stating the real, I still find myself having many learning moments and disagreements. I believe that black people have a rich diversity of thought, some thoughts more harmful than others but still all and all its great to exchange. Bruthas and sistas be thinking, or so they think that they do.
Let’s talk about dating. For those that do not know me, I am a vibrant personality, strong on my principals and quite and enigma with positive and contagious energy. As a last day of the year Capricorn, I may appear cold and callous when really Im just matter of fact and highly logical. All of my 20’s has been spent doing what I want and chasing what I think I want until finding that I do not actually want that or changing my mind for something else before I got it.
Always on the go, I’ve lived in 5 different cities and 4 different states as my track record shows that I do not like to stay in one place longer than 3 years. When dating this can pose serious dilemmas and put strains on relationships causing many of them to be long distance which is an entire dilemma within itself.
If you’re away, what if your man/woman wants to find a placeholder to please his/her sexual desires in your absence? Or what if your man/woman happens to entertain an entire different relationship and knocks up his in town girlfriend or your girlfriend gets pregnant by her in town boyfriend while you are away and says that it is your fault because you were away.
Ambition/Dreams v. Relationship/Love. What if you feel like you were put on this earth to do more than procreate and fold clothes? Can you pursue your personal dream and date at the same time or does one have to be sacrificed? What are your standards and are you wrong for having them? What are you not flexible on and what are you willing to compromise?
Enough of my questions. Let’s talk about the issues that many blacks face on the dating market. First let me start by saying, that I am not pro black but I do love my blackness and yours, which inspires me to promote the unification and progression of malenated people. Do I aspire to marry a black man? Ughhhh, I did but I find myself becoming more indifferent at this point, similar to many of my black male peers. As I near age 30, Im learning to be more and more open minded with who I allow to love me and date me. I realize that I do not write my own cards, and what I want may not be what I need or whats destined for me and until I realize that then I will continue to be stuck in singleness.
Dating is hard, harder that what is should be. Though, I am blessed and do very well for myself, I’ve never made it my business to portray myself as some woman that “doesn’t need a man.” I don’t use my finances as a point of distinction to make a man feel less than, nor do I try to use man as a come up. Contrary to popular belief a woman is not a “gold digger” just because she expects him to provide and maintain a certain lifestyle. Just because a sista is not an easy, cheap floozy does not mean that she is trying to take advantage of you. I believe a relationship is about bettering each other. If I can’t help you then I am hurting you and vice versa. I can do bad alone and I can do well alone. I do not need really need help with either but I would rather do well together, as humans were not put on this earth to be alone.
I’M A MOVEMENT BY MYSELF/BUT I’M A FORCE WHEN WE’RE TOGETHER~ NEYO
I understand the concept of, you can’t get something for nothing and I may steer more old school than new era as it comes to dating. I believe that a man should pay for the first date and court a woman. As a quality woman, I expect to be treated a certain way, because quite frankly I know that I deserve it. No disrespect to Applebees two for $20 but that was an event that I was doing in high school, so I find it difficult to be doing that a decade later. With age comes growth, or is that isolated to gender? Let me talk to the fellas.
Guys please check your unreasonable expectations at the door. If you want to go on a date with a woman, ask yourself if you have the means to do such thing appropriately? Meaning can you take charge and set a date; time; pick a place of quality and font the bill with no issue? Can you take her out and show her a good time, without expecting that she gives you her panties as a return of payment as if thats an even exchange? Whats with the attempted bargaining?
Can you take her out, stimulate her mind and get to know who’s in front of you without having a hidden sexual agenda? If so many of you just want your Johnson serviced, why not go pick up a woman on that known market to service those needs instead of wasting time on a sista on the market for a husband? I may not be the brightest crayon in the box but I do know that its probably not the brightest idea to put 87 gas in a premium 94 luxury vehicle and not expect some resistance. This pay for sex or pay for a date then sex idea has got to stop! At the end of the day a woman is not required to let you inside of her temple because you bought her a damn steak. To make matters worse, some of y’all want the keys to the inside just for buying some tacos and top shelf drinks. How immature and shallow of you.
Attempting to pressure a woman for sex on day 1 is the quickest way to alert a quality woman that she is out of your league and that she is entertaining a grown boy and not a grown man. A man would have more control over his sexual desires and think twice before blatantly disrespecting such woman. A MAN would recognize that he’s in front of a Queen and not squander his shot because of his own immaturity. Sure, there is nothing wrong with sex and I am not anti sex but understand that there is a time and for many women date #1 isn’t it. Its actually quite a turn off when you hint and apply unwanted pressure.
Dating should not be a battle of bargaining of goods. Some women has gotten in the habit of exchanging sex for commitment and men have gotten in the habit of exchanging fake commitments for sex. Someone is going to lose in this bargain and 9 times out of 10, ladies you are going to take that L. Understand that the commitment can be fake but that sex cannot be. A man can take back his word of committing, but a woman can’t take back that mouth and vagina that she gave to him. He can go and put his tool in the next one walking, all the while he claimed that he committed to just yours. Instead of sharing your precious gifts with so many why not require that he put some work in to show you that he deserves it? Or does everyone deserve it? When women give it up easily this action dilutes the market for all women because this lowers the man’s expectations when dating the next woman.
Fellas you have to ask yourself why do you even think that you deserve a woman’s body? If the answer is because you paid for dinner or how ever many dinners then you really need to check yourself. Furthermore how about you have some respect for your own body? For all the grown boys that think its ok to see women as a race to sexual satisfaction, I pray that you one day have a daughter and she runs into a man just like you.
Ladies if a man is a sex or else type of dude, that’s fine. Actually, is great because you learn early that he’s not the man for you. He’s not the man you need to waste any more time with, and one you definitely don’t need to be sharing your body with. How deflating it is creating horrible soul ties with a person you don’t connect with spiritually or in thought. If you do it once, LEARN from it by not repeating it. Eww can you imagine getting pregnant by such? As a woman that has never been pregnant and a woman that’s very mindful of not only who she sleeps with but overly mindful of who she sleeps with unprotected, I can honestly say proudly that I’ve probably dodged quite a few bullets. Men may not like to hear it but women are the prize and that’s just reality. Women a prize should be earned. Everyone cant win you or they shouldn’t be able to.
HE WHO FINDS A WIFE FINDS A GOOD THING AND OBTAINS FAVOR FROM THE LORD.~ PROVERBS 18:22
As a Queen, I know what I am, and I am committed to not becoming impregnated by a peasant. How could I birth a King if a peasant sews his seed in me? Why should I allow him to? Then would I tell my son not to be half of who he is, which is realistically his father who was a peasant? What makes a man a King is not his money, status or accolades but his heart and mentality. Is he a leader that you can follow? Does he stand on his own two and treat you with respect? Does he value your body and mind? What makes a woman a Queen is not her hair, complexion or fat anus, rather natural or manufactured but her heart and her mental. Does she challenge you and make you better as a man? Is she trustworthy and supportive? Is she nurturing and self sufficient? Does she speak life into you and make life that much more enjoyable?
Now I am not anti sex but I am anti pressure and expectations. Money is material. A woman’s body is spiritual, thus the context is far different. Sex should happen organically. Fella’s a woman will let you inside when she feels like opening the door. You can knock, plead, bang, buy gifts and none of it matters because at the end of the day, she holds the prize and she decides when you are worthy enough for her to share them with. Instead of condemning this, you should grow up and learn to appreciate something so coveted, well maintained and protected. Now days many black men want filet mignon on a platter with double cheeseburger effort and attitude. In other words, we are in a microwavable, take, take, take generation which as a result leaves many quality women exhausted with the bullshit and looking elsewhere for mates.
Black women have put up with black man’s bullshit for a very long time. From taking care of their kids alone, dealing with the cheating, multiple baby mothers, lack of finances, and failure to commit. No black women are not perfect. Some value the wrong things, and totally dismiss the good guy in favor of the guy with swag, looks and money. That though is more comparable to you guys when you overlook the good girl, for the video vixen just for the sake of you wanting the eye candy and sex. At the end of the day man good sista’s want to be married, they are just doing them a disservice by thinking their husband can only be black.
I am here to say that women ought not wait till age 40-50 to realize that maybe they should explore what’s behind other doors. Instead of being committed to men that’s clearly not committed to us, perhaps we should focus more on entertaining those that love us how we require and desire. Dating doesn’t have to be bullsh**, maybe you just need a change of culture or type.
Be sure to check out the latest episode of THE NITTY GRITTY SHOW BELOW!