I can write a million stories but I will always come back to write stories about two important topics: Trust and Loyalty. Well, today’s story is about trust which, seems to be a topic that I have been speaking on a lot lately. In the past I had trust issues hell, I still do trying to trust another, after someone broke your trust is hard. Hell, if trust issues aren’t the number one cause of breakups, it has to be one of the leading causes. In my brief time of being alive and dating, I’ve noticed that the problems most couples face are usually arguments that can be traced to insecurities masked behind trust issues. Sometimes as women we can overreact before we get the facts. We listen to the outside opinions before we listen to self, A lot of times, prematurely entering relationships leads us to bring unresolved problems from previous relationships thinking that being with another will heal those old wombs but not realizing that we are adding more cuts to that open womb. This gives our new significant others unfair disadvantages. It hinders them from giving us their all because we never give them a chance to do so because in our minds we think that they are just like the last person that broke our heart.
Last year, I dated that I now talk about a lot because of the unfair damages that I did to him. I don’t treat people like shit well, at least I try not to but I had a broken heart, so I had to take it out on someone. He came at a time when I had a machete size womb to my heart. I was bitter and I was looking to take that out on anyone that would let me and he came at a time where I wanted to make someone pay (men are about to have a lot to say about this). So, he let me use my sword and start cutting on him. He had flaws but no matter how many flaws he had he did not deserve the treatment that he got.
The hurt that we face and the issues in which we run into, without allowing proper time to heal can spill into subsequent toxic relationships. I did not heal nor did I want to heal at the time. I was avoiding it as much as possible. This spill can turn into a slippery slope that leads downhill into another heartbreak blaming the new person for your pain when in reality this new heartbreak is your fault. You’re sitting around here with a tight leash on the new person all from what the last guy/girl did to you.
A lot of times, when we have trouble trusting someone, we monitor what he or she does and with whom. We even get so invasive that we question what they’re doing with their family and friends. We get very territorial and feel threatened by everyone, when in reality their eyes are only for us. Trust is about allowing someone free reign with complete faith and giving that person your whole heart without fear. Telling your spouse to cut off all ties to his friends who are mostly women won’t do anything but hurt the relationship in the long term. You’re showing them that no matter what he/she do you will never trust them.
But as I learn on my journey of understanding love that most of my trust issues came from the fact that I cheated on a few of my ex’s in the past. Yes, I was a cheater in two of my relationships and usually I try to justify why I cheated but as I grew to learn two wrongs doesn’t make a right. The mistrust can manifest in many ways. Sometimes, people cheat when a relationship starts getting serious because they don’t trust themselves to handle that type of responsibility (which was one of my reasoning for cheating). Other times, it’s distrust in the other person. Since we think they’re going to cheat anyway we want to beat them to the punch not realizing how we are destroying our deserving of trust.
For years, I tried to place blame on others and yes, they were to blame for the fall out of our relationship but I had an option to either stay or go and I chose to stay. Choosing to ignore problems in your relationship is asking to unlock the doorway to cheat. Like on “insecure”, Lawrence and Issa knew they had issues in their relationship but choose to keep their opinions to themselves. Issa knew she was tired of being the breadwinner in the relationship and was frustrated with her life but didn’t speak on how she felt, which lead her to sleep with trouble AKA Daniel (I called perfect dark skin men trouble). And Lawrence knew he was unhappy with his life, and the lack of support Issa has in their relationship but chose to not speak about it, which lead him to open up to Tasha as a rebound.
The point that I am trying to make is that every new and promising situation that you go into should be given a genuine chance. The best way to do that is by not bringing in any types of issues, wounds, or baggage from your previous relationships. It’s important to give every person that you date a blank, clean slate consciously. When you bring your trust issues into a new situation, it will always end badly. You need to have an open heart and be willing to get over the hurt in order to fall in love again. Part of having an open heart is giving your trust to the right person. If you’re not willing to give your trust to anyone yet, then you really shouldn’t be dating. You should return to the dating bench and be working on healing self.
In order to trust another soul, you have to be able to trust yourself. It starts from within. I learned that the reason why my relationship didn’t work was because I didn’t trust myself nor did I want to give all my trust to another person. As a result I destroyed the relationship before they could even though I knew, that all I had to do was leave. In my last two relationships, I brought the past baggage into those relationships.
Let’s talk about what baggage is. Baggage is a term that used to describe bringing in issues from your past experiences when things were difficult, bad, and unfortunate. Baggage is when you’ve been cheated on before or hurt by someone that you’ve dated or been in a relationship with, so you carry those wounds and issues into your new relationship which cause trust issues. Old wombs that we refuse to let go.
It’s important to trust the person that you’re with, and for them to trust you as well. You should be able to give your partner the benefit of the doubt, and if there’s ever a situation where you question your boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse’s intentions or motives, then you should politely ask them what is going on? But still, let your partner speak his/her mind, and believe what they say to be true until they give you a reason to question otherwise. If your partner is a compulsive liar, then break up with them. But if you’re just used to dating compulsive liars and people that might’ve even cheated on you in the past, then thats your own issue, and you are the only one that can fix it.
You cannot expect a partner to stick around if you don’t believe them when they are telling you the truth. You need to trust your partner with all of your heart and soul so that your relationship will stand a real chance. When two people don’t trust each other or even when one person doesn’t trust the other, relationship problems will never end. Honesty is everything in a relationship. You should never take your spouse trust for granted…. But what do I know I’m just here to drop some knowledge on my journey of self.
That Is All